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When a loved one dies, we no longer wear black veils and black top hats for long periods of time in order to publicly display our grief and loss. But the tradition of public mourning is far from dead. In the 21st century, technology is our mourning device, specifically social media.

Facebook is largely the most popular means to make a public announcement. Family members announce the birth of a new baby, couples announce their engagement, and people announce a death like any other life event. You’ve probably seen a status update from your Facebook friend, announcing they’ve lost a loved one. It’s common to see “likes” on the post in the form of a crying emoji, or tons of comments from friends offering their condolences.

This is how we mourn. It’s our way of communicating to our friends and online acquaintances that we’ve suffered a loss, that we are grieving, and that we could use support (even though it’s not normally asked for). We seek quiet validation for our grief through the people who comment on and like the status. And that’s okay. It’s comforting to see the expressions of care and consideration through comments of sympathy, and serves as a warm reminder that we are loved.

Not to mention, social media has allowed us to share obituaries much easier than a newspaper these days. Young people and now many middle-aged people don’t seek out the obits in the Community section, because they’ll see it on Facebook. Most funeral homes will share the link to the obituary so family members can easily notify friends and relatives of the death and service information.

In 2019, even mourning has been adjusted to the digital age. For a society that shares just about everything on social media, it is no surprise that we convey our grief and mourning on the internet. Some feel it’s a huge advantage and a quick way to spread service information, while others yearn for the traditional word-of-mouth and newspaper clippings. What do you think?

We love our pets. They make us laugh and smile, help us through tough times, give us purpose. So when they pass away, they leave a hole in our hearts that we find very difficult to fill.

A pet is often an ever-present companion, wanting attention, expecting to play, hoping for cuddles and treats. They are constantly at our side, whether on the couch, bed, or sitting at the dining table. So naturally, it’s hard to adjust when they’re gone.

They also give us purpose. Our pets rely on us to feed them, give them water and shelter, and take care of them. We find a sense of purpose through being a pet owner, and it becomes a part of our identity. When that changes, we almost have to rediscover who we are.

It goes without saying, but animals provide copious amounts of emotional support. Who got you through that bad layoff? Buddy did. Who stuck by your side through all those anxiety attacks? The was Miss Pretty. We rely on our animals for their companionship, support, and constant source of comfort. So of course, when all of that is gone, it’s hard to get by.

Some say the toughest part is the silence in our homes after our pet dies. Animals create a good bit of noise that we grow accustomed to (unless you have a dog who loves to bark. That’s very noticeable). When they’re gone, we no longer hear the pit-pat of their paws on the kitchen floor, the tags rattling when they hop onto the couch, the rumbling when they race up the steps, and of course, the meows and barks. Even birds, rats, hamsters, and lizards make some noise in their cages. The silence is uncomfortable, and reminds us who we’re missing.

But the grief doesn’t last forever. Eventually, most people do end up getting another pet that becomes an addition but not a replacement, serving their purpose as companion and source of comfort and joy. They make us smile again, give us purpose again, but they have big paw-prints to fill.

When our loved ones face a terminal illness, planning ahead becomes invaluable for many financial and emotional reasons. Often, roadblocks occur after death due to probate taking over, and many of them can be avoided.

First and foremost, if your loved one is of sound mind, talk with them before you do anything. The conversation can be as casual or in-depth as you like, but it’s helpful to let them know what you’re thinking and learn if they have any final wishes.  

Most importantly, locate a will if it has been created (either it has been filed with probate or kept in a secure location). Try to find out who the executor of the will is, to ensure they are still around and ready to fulfill the role as executor. Having a will in general can be extremely helpful when dividing assets.

Speaking of secure places, if your loved one has a safety deposit box, we encourage you to locate the box and either have your loved one remove the contents, or you yourself could (if you are power-of-attorney or listed as an owner). If the contents are important documents such as a marriage license, military discharge papers, etc., it’s best to make copies of the documents and keep them for your records. Once a person passes and the bank is notified, all accounts and safety deposit boxes will be frozen, even if you are power-of-attorney.

Credit cards will also be frozen if the credit company is notified (usually if the card is a bank credit card), so transferring the name is also helpful, as credit cards are often used to pay for funeral services.

Vehicle titles and house deeds can be tedious to transfer after the passing of an individual. Taking care of transferring titles ahead of time is extremely helpful, and won’t require the usage of a certified death certificate. Remember, it can take several months to over a year before probate court does anything, so it’s best to take care of things ahead of time.

Picture it. The sky is a calm cerulean blue, the sun is shining warm on the lush green grass, the birds are chirping from the full trees, and a soft wind rattles the leaves. Somewhere a few lawns over, a mower is running. In the backyard, family and friends are gathering for a 4th of July cookout with coolers of beverages and the sweet scent of barbeque wafting through the opened window. But you’re standing inside, wishing you were in the confines of your own room with the blinds shut, because everyone else is having fun but you don’t feel much like laughing.

Grief acts like a storm cloud, blocking out the light of anything remotely pleasant, and threatening to pour at any given moment. It’s hard to feel happy with that sort of thing hanging over your head.

But it’s okay for you to feel different than others. We often have this idea that we should feel a certain way at a certain time, and if we don’t, we’re doing something wrong. Say everyone else is having fun at the cookout and playing cornhole, but you can’t bring yourself to laugh when Uncle Roger chucks the bag of corn clear over the fence. It’s okay. You’re struggling with something much bigger than cornhole, here.  

If you’re facing grief in the summertime, it’s okay that you might be laughing less, smiling less, and enjoying things a lot less than you did in previous summers. Try to remember that you’re feelings are valid and understandable. And cut yourself some slack! You’re doing what you can.

If summertime reminds you of a loss from a previous summer, acknowledge it, but don’t ruminate. Nostalgia tends to glamorize the past and make the present seem much worse than the “good old days.” Try to ride the waves of your memory, but remember that healing is in the present tense, and at some point you’ll want to find your way back to the shore.  

So enjoy what you can, but don’t feel bad if it’s not very much. Summer is just another season, anyway—the sun comes out in the winter, too.

Father’s Day can be difficult to face when your dad is no longer living. Even if he passed years ago, a holiday to recognize your father can surface some residual grief. But there are ways to face Father’s Day that can lessen your pain and give you some peace of mind.

Try not to focus on your loss. Dads are notorious for telling us stories of their own youth, cracking jokes they think are just hysterical, and giving us some of the best advice. What has your father given you over the years? Maybe it was something tangible, like a watch or a set of tools. Maybe you can look in the mirror and see in your own face what he’s passed down to you. Or perhaps he gave you advice that you now live by.

Writing down the positive things you’ve received can help you feel more fulfilled. Was it a sense of security? Money for the ice cream truck? Unwarranted football facts or Seinfeld references? These things probably made you smile in the past, and have the chance to help you now. And once you start the list, it gets easier to work through as you reminisce. But ultimately, you know who your father was. If this list doesn’t suit you, what else might? A list of life lessons? Things your dad taught you not to do? Times he completely embarrassed you in front of your friends by his dad-isms?  

The lists can go on and on, and be as specific or vague as you like. Grief is very significant to the person experiencing it, and the healing process is very much the same. However you treat Father’s Day, try to remember that you’re the one living the day, and that you deserve to enjoy it, even if you can’t give your dad an expensive Hallmark card. You can always buy one anyway.

It is never too early to discuss your final wishes. Maybe you’ve never thought about it before, but it doesn’t hurt to give it some consideration. Would you want to be cremated? Would you want your loyal dog to go to your kids or best friend? What about funeral services? The most important things to you should be considered, material or otherwise.

Bringing up the conversation can be tough, though. It’s a delicate topic, and some family members may feel uncomfortable addressing the idea that at some point, you might pass on without them. But if you stay honest and even joke around a bit, things may feel lighter and easier. In fact, if you’ve ever purchased Life Insurance or signed up for a retirement plan, you’ve already designated beneficiaries to receive your death benefit, which is very similar to expressing your final wishes.

Be firm in what you want. Don’t let anyone coax you into changing your ideas based on something that is “easier” or “cheaper” or even more expensive. If you’ve been envisioning a funeral with a bronze-plated casket and a burial at the beautiful Lakeview Cemetery all your life, don’t cave for cremation because your son was planning to spread your ashes in Lake Erie. It’s your life, so your say matters most.

Discussing your final wishes can even be relieving, in a strange sort of way. We often fear the inevitable, but being practical about it can help alleviate some of the apprehension, especially since we won’t have to worry about our wishes falling flat. For example, I’m currently writing a novel, and if I died before it got finished, my wish is that someone would finish the book and try to get it published. But if I never addressed that, no one would even think to touch the manuscript and I’d be petrified that my words would never reach the public. Trust me, it’s best to say what you want.

So talk to your friends, your spouse, your kids or your relatives. Let them know what you’re thinking. It can be a brief conversation over coffee, or one of those passing moments in the car on the way to the grocery store. It can be funny, or it can be serious. But it’s healthy and practical, and really only needs to be expressed once.

Pre-planning funerals is growing more and more popular as baby boomers retire. It’s a good time to tie up loose ends, get some finances in order, and settle into relaxation. Setting future funeral arrangements is always beneficial and provides a great way to get ahead.

Financially, the benefits are huge. If you pay in advance, your family won’t need to worry about money when making your arrangements. They won’t have to think about price limits, or how much or how little to spend.

You’ll also have the opportunity to get exactly what you want. From disposition to merchandise to type of service, the choice would be yours. This in particular is beneficial if family members have a history of disagreeing with each other. Why complicate things further?

Because the decisions would already be made, when the time comes, your family wouldn’t have to stress over making arrangements and instead could use the time to process their grief. Typically, funeral arrangements need to be made in the first 24 hours after death, which is often very tasking for people after they’ve experienced a loss. With a pre-arranged funeral, no one needs to worry.

Lastly, after making arrangements, you won’t have to worry about it ever again. The main reason people are hesitant to make pre-arrangements is because they’re reluctant to admit that death is inevitable. Making funeral plans really solidifies the fact, but it’s only momentary. In a week, you won’t even think about it.

So start the conversation. People always say, “I’m glad that’s taken care of.” And their families are always relieved that plans have already been made.

Grief is a difficult concept to truly understand, because it is unique to the person and the loss they’ve suffered. Comprehending loss is a good place to start.

Dictionary.com describes loss as “the state of being deprived of or of being without something that one has had” (https://www.dictionary.com/browse/loss). Loss can be of a loved one, a job, a relationship, a belonging, a capability, etc. Basically, you had something and now you don’t, and the circumstances of which the loss has occurred can vary.  

So then grief, according to the Mayo Clinic, is “the natural reaction to loss” (https://www.mayoclinic.org/patient-visitor-guide/support-groups/what-is-grief). But we know grief is so much more than that. Grief is the price we pay for loving someone. It is the storm of emotions we cannot avoid when someone leaves too soon. It is natural, and like most natural things, it is inevitable.  

Psychologically, grief can manifest through a broad array of emotions—fear, anxiety, sadness, despair, anger, irritation, longing, depression, confusion, numbness, detachment, and guilt are just a few. And it’s very normal to experience several of these emotions in a day, in an hour even. Sometimes they appear in different stages, and other times they may come and go in surges. Or, the feelings could last for days to even months without relief.

Physically, grief can affect digestion, concentration, sleep, appetite, energy, and immune strength (to name a few). Some might experience more physical side effects than others, or in different degrees of severity. These issues paired with the emotional hardships may put strain on relationships and friendships, and instigate withdrawal from society. It can be very difficult to find joy or pleasure in life when one is working through grief—and it really is hard work.

But remember that grief is natural. It is a natural response to loss, the way darkness ensues when the sun goes down. We can always rely on the fact that daylight will come again, though. Grief does not have to last forever, but it does need to be felt.

The time surrounding Mother’s Day is often joyous; the weather is warming, the flowers are blooming, and people are gathering close to celebrate and honor the matriarchs of their families. But for some of us, Mother’s Day is a struggle because we no longer have a living mother to celebrate.

A huge part of the population believes it takes about two weeks to grieve, but for anyone who has suffered a loss, it is clear that grief has no official end. Things may get easier over time, but there is no such thing as “getting over it.” So whether your mom passed recently or years ago, you’re probably still feeling the sting of Mother’s Day. The Hallmark excitement is unwelcome, and the constant commercials and ads are just stark reminders of the person you’re missing.

But there are many ways to handle the holiday, and while one option might not work for someone else, it might work for you. Like grief, healing is unique and personal.

If you want to memorialize your mother, you could get out photos and make your way down memory lane. As strange as it might seem, writing her a letter can feel therapeutic, as you can spill all your emotions and hardships to her, through writing. Cooking her favorite meal or getting out her recipe book could be fun, especially if you have kids to share in the experience. Through your own acts of motherhood, you can express a part of your mom in a way that allows her memory to live on. But if you don’t have kids, don’t worry. You’re still your mother’s child, and that in itself lends to the resurrection of her habits, voice, and even appearance perhaps. 

Mother’s Day brunch is a common celebration these days, so to avoid other families and possible grief-reoccurrences, whip up your own breakfast or brunch, including some of your mom’s favorites. Or, if you always used to buy her a gift, purchase a bouquet of flowers and set them by her picture as a meaningful tribute you could return to throughout the week. And of course, you can visit her grave with flowers if you have that opportunity. 

Sometimes it’s necessary to avoid the holiday altogether. You probably know yourself better than anyone else, so if the holiday is going to cause you more pain than you can bear, skip it.

Plan a large distraction for yourself. Take a day trip somewhere you’ve never been, or pick up a brand new hobby that requires plenty of learning and distraction (you also don’t need to spend too much here, but if you have the funds, don’t be afraid to invest in yourself). Maybe take your family for a hike or bike ride on the trails; an activity that doesn’t involve much interaction with other families or mother-child duos would be ideal. Be sure to keep the TV off and steer clear of all social media for a few days.

Keep in mind, too, that you are doing what you need to do to feel okay. Don’t worry about other people here. You’re taking care of yourself and that’s the most important thing right now.

Green burials exist to reduce our carbon footprint even after death. Ultimately, the goal is to refrain from using materials that will not break down in the earth, and reduce the amount of energy and fuel used in burial and disposition. This method is gaining in popularity amongst younger generations, and serves as a great way to give back to the environment.  

The current worry surrounding traditional burials is that non-biodegradable materials are being placed into the ground, along with embalming chemicals that can seep into the soil. Many caskets are made of metal, which of course won’t break down. It’s sort of like burying a car.

But if you’re looking for a green alternative, a simple wooden casket without glue, metal, or varnish is a great option. Woven caskets can also be used in green burials, because they are made of wicker, bamboo, willow, or other materials that will break down. These beautiful caskets are a great option and can still be placed into a hearse and carried by pallbearers.

Shrouds are also a very natural and simple method for burial. Typically the shroud is made of linen or other biodegradable fabric, and can be decorated with flowers or other herbs. The body is wrapped in the shroud and placed directly into the grave of a cemetery that will allow this type of burial. With this method, the body is restored to the earth in a natural, modest way.

There are many green methods to utilize after cremation as well, such as biodegradable urns, which are known for their versatility and low impact on the environment. Before burying a biodegradable urn, however, check with your state’s laws regarding the burial of cremated remains outside of a cemetery, as well as the zoning laws encompassing the area you’re about to bury in.

As for a heartwarming goodbye on the water, there are other biodegradable “pillow” urns that are made to float and then disintegrate, which would give plenty of time for a lakeside or even boat-side service. Or, you can always spread the ashes straight into the water, so long as you’re following the law that you must be at least 3 nautical miles from the oceanic coast.

If you’re planning on utilizing a cemetery for burial and you’d like to be green about it, check with your local cemetery to see if it is considered a “hybrid burial ground”, which means it allows any form of burial with any type of container. Another option is to select a “natural burial ground” which allows for green burials and uses only natural and organic pesticides to preserve the simplicity of the land. Some of these burial grounds are considered conservations, so obstructive headstones and plastic fixtures are not permitted.

There are many green burial options to choose from, and many websites that discuss the positivity surrounding green methods of disposition. Many people feel that we have a duty to preserve the earth, while others simply prefer the organic nature of these burials. If you’re interested in an option like this, be sure to tell your funeral director up front! Your wants and needs are important, especially for something as final as a burial.    

If you’re planning to attend a visitation or viewing, be prepared for the deceased to be present in the chapel of the funeral home. The casket might be opened or closed, or an urn may be present, but it is wise to mentally prepare yourself if need be.

Wear something nice, but not necessarily too formal (for more on that, you can check out our previous blog post titled “What Should I Wear to a Visitation?”).

Don’t feel obligated to arrive right at the start of calling hours. And definitely don’t arrive before the hour begins—the family may want private time with their loved one before seeing guests.

There will almost always be a register book, so by all means, sign your name and perhaps take a prayer card or folder if you’d like. Sometimes, surviving family members see so many people during a visitation that they may forget who came to visit, so signing your name is very useful to them later on.

Don’t feel obligated to spend much time near the casket; if you’re uncomfortable, you don’t need to step up to the casket at all. But if you’d like to, make sure no one else is also standing by the casket and paying their respects. Hovering around them is uncouth, so try to maintain a decent distance. If there is a line, follow suit. If there is a kneeler, you may kneel and silently pray or think of a fond memory. If not, simply stand by the casket and bow your head in silent prayer or reverie.

Now, say you don’t know the deceased. Maybe she is your coworker’s mother. You might feel awkward kneeling down in front of the casket or attempting to show signs of grief. The key here is to be comfortable and respectful. Again, if you’re uncomfortable near the casket, simply don’t approach it—no one will notice. But if it feels appropriate, by all means.  

Typically, the deceased’s family members stand near the casket or urn so that the visitors form a line. If so, greet each family member and express your condolences. If you don’t know the family member you’re meeting, introduce yourself and express why you’re there, such as, “Hi, I’m Kate, I work with Janet at Such-and-Such. My sympathies for your mom, Janet told me so much about her.” It’s much less awkward if you state who you do know, and why you’re there.

Viewings and visitations normally don’t involve public speaking, but if the family wishes, a rosary may be said or a member of the clergy may come in to say some prayers—if this occurs, follow the crowd. Most likely, everyone will be seated and the music will be silenced while prayers are said. If you’re uncomfortable, you can always step into the lobby. But if you stay in the chapel, please try to stay off your phone. This is a time to pray and reflect.

The amount of time you spend depends on certain circumstances. If the chapel is packed with people and the family is bombarded with visitors, pay your respects and kindly head out. But if groups of people are mingling and sharing memories, feel free to socialize. And if it seems like the family is enjoying having company (smiling, chatting, hugging guests, laughing), it’s okay to stay for a little while. Try to gauge the situation and be mindful of what other guests are doing.

Now, if refreshments are available, it’s best not to hang around the food too long. Maybe have a cup of coffee with something small, but don’t load up!

And of course, if you bring small children, please keep an eye on them to ensure their behavior is not disruptive.

If nothing else, just put yourself at ease and go with the flow of things. I understand social interaction can induce some serious panic for some, especially when death is thrown into the mix. Just remember that your presence is supportive, and it will mean volumes to the family.