Approaching Father's Day While You're Grieving

When our loved ones face a terminal illness, planning ahead becomes invaluable for many financial and emotional reasons. Often, roadblocks occur after death due to probate taking over, and many of them can be avoided.  First and foremost, if your loved one is of sound mind, talk with them before you do anything. The conversation can be as casual or in-depth as you like, but it’s helpful to let them know what you’re thinking and learn if they have any final wishes. Most importantly, locate a will if it has been created (either it has been filed with probate or kept in a secure location). Try to find out who the executor of the will is, to ensure they are still around and ready to fulfill the role as executor. Having a will in general can be extremely helpful when dividing assets. Speaking of secure places, if your loved one has a safety deposit box, we encourage you to locate the box and either have your loved one remove the contents, or you yourself could (if you are power-of-attorney or listed as an owner). If the contents are important documents such as a marriage license, military discharge papers, etc., it’s best to make copies of the documents and keep them for your records. Once a person passes and the bank is notified, all accounts and safety deposit boxes will be frozen, even if you are power-of-attorney. Credit cards will also be frozen if the credit company is notified (usually if the card is a bank credit card), so transferring the name is also helpful, as credit cards are often used to pay for funeral services. Vehicle titles and house deeds can be tedious to transfer after the passing of an individual. Taking care of transferring titles ahead of time is extremely helpful, and won’t require the usage of a certified death certificate. Remember, it can take several months to over a year before probate court does anything, so it’s best to take care of things ahead of time.

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Hospice is typically needed when your loved one’s health deteriorates to the point of no recovery. This can happen due to a terminal illness, injury, or just old age. A doctor must recommend hospice care if they feel your loved one has less than six months to live.  There are inpatient hospice centers, but typically a hospice team will come to the home or a nursing home facility where your loved one already resides. The caregivers provide pain management and symptom control, focusing mostly on making sure your loved one is comfortable during the last phases of their illness. (Note: it is possible to leave hospice care and continue treating the illness at any time with a doctor’s recommendation, but it is not usually the case). When the choice for hospice is made, life will take on a new meaning. Time will become more precious. You might even experience anticipatory grief, which is a feeling of grief that occurs before your loved one has passed. It’s painful trying to accept this new phase of life and coming to understand what it all means. But your hospice care team will include social workers, caregivers, and counselors who are there to help you through these confusing feelings. And most hospice services provide respite care, so you and others who have been caring for your loved one can take some personal time to rest and manage tasks that have been neglected. This is very necessary for your own mental and physical health, even though you might not want to leave the bedside. Your health is still very important, and in order to properly support your loved one, you need to take care of yourself too. When the time finally comes for your loved one to draw their last breath, the hospice caregivers will be there to support both you and your loved one. They offer bereavement care and can help contact the funeral home of your choice when it is needed. Through phone calls, visits, and recommendations, your hospice care team will help see you through your grief.

Journaling is nothing new. Anne Frank, Charles Darwin, Sylvia Plath, Mark Twain, Frida Kahlo, to name a few, all kept journals. Some did it to keep track of their musings and discoveries while others wrote to free themselves from their thoughts. Still others journaled to process their own personal struggles.  Grief takes courage to manage. It requires energy and time, two things we hardly even give to ourselves. But journaling has proved to create space in our busy lives, to allow us to free our emotions in a safe space of our very own. Here are a few ways to journal through your grief: 1.List your emotions. We, as complex beings, enjoy making simple lists. They are clean, concise, and easy to read through. However, grief can cause some messy emotions that aren’t so easy to name. Try starting with the simple ones, like depression, sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, and loneliness. How does it feel to see them on paper? 2.Write about times when you felt grief the most. It could have been when you were grocery shopping and saw your loved one’s favorite snacks, or while you were driving to work without much energy to face the day, or when you were lying in bed trying to catch some sleep that just would not come. Writing about these situations can sometimes help ease the pain of remembering them. It’s offers the therapeutic benefits of talking about the situation, only it’s shared with yourself. Note: It might be helpful to list the emotions you felt while writing out the grief waves. Seeing how you feel on paper is often very eye-opening. 3.Write about the things that scare you moving forward without your loved one. This is a tough step, so don’t feel bad if you’re hesitant. This practice will help ease the fear and let you work toward a place of courage. Ask yourself why you’re afraid and what might you be able to do to ease that fear. 4.Write to your loved one. Any anger, resentment, sadness, or loneliness can all pour onto the page with no limitations. You could tell them how much you miss them, or what your life is like now. Anything you have to say to your loved one, you can put down in your journal. This can feel like a great big sigh of relief sometimes. Like, “There, I said it.” 5.Try your hand at stream of consciousness. This is when you touch pen to paper and don’t stop until you’ve reached your goal (start with half a page and see how that goes). You don’t pause to think about what to write next, but instead you just continue writing no matter what comes out. This might feel a little ridiculous, as some thoughts can trail to others that make absolutely no sense, but releasing the floodgates allows you to see what’s been stuck inside your mind. You might even begin to see thought patterns, but for now, just write away. Journaling of course is not a cure-all. As much as we’d like to write a few pages in a notebook and suddenly feel better, it typically takes some time and effort before relief really starts to set in. But be patient, get yourself a nice notebook that fits your needs, and take time for yourself to get better.

When a loved one dies, we no longer wear black veils and black top hats for long periods of time in order to publicly display our grief and loss. But the tradition of public mourning is far from dead. In the 21st century, technology is our mourning device, specifically social media.  Facebook is largely the most popular means to make a public announcement. Family members announce the birth of a new baby, couples announce their engagement, and people announce a death like any other life event. You’ve probably seen a status update from your Facebook friend, announcing they’ve lost a loved one. It’s common to see “likes” on the post in the form of a crying emoji, or tons of comments from friends offering their condolences. This is how we mourn. It’s our way of communicating to our friends and online acquaintances that we’ve suffered a loss, that we are grieving, and that we could use support (even though it’s not normally asked for). We seek quiet validation for our grief through the people who comment on and like the status. And that’s okay. It’s comforting to see the expressions of care and consideration through comments of sympathy, and serves as a warm reminder that we are loved. Not to mention, social media has allowed us to share obituaries much easier than a newspaper these days. Young people and now many middle-aged people don’t seek out the obits in the Community section, because they’ll see it on Facebook. Most funeral homes will share the link to the obituary so family members can easily notify friends and relatives of the death and service information. In 2019, even mourning has been adjusted to the digital age. For a society that shares just about everything on social media, it is no surprise that we convey our grief and mourning on the internet. Some feel it’s a huge advantage and a quick way to spread service information, while others yearn for the traditional word-of-mouth and newspaper clippings. What do you think?

We love our pets. They make us laugh and smile, help us through tough times, give us purpose. So when they pass away, they leave a hole in our hearts that we find very difficult to fill. A pet is often an ever-present companion, wanting attention, expecting to play, hoping for cuddles and treats. They are constantly at our side, whether on the couch, bed, or sitting at the dining table. So naturally, it’s hard to adjust when they’re gone.  They also give us purpose. Our pets rely on us to feed them, give them water and shelter, and take care of them. We find a sense of purpose through being a pet owner, and it becomes a part of our identity. When that changes, we almost have to rediscover who we are. It goes without saying, but animals provide copious amounts of emotional support. Who got you through that bad layoff? Buddy did. Who stuck by your side through all those anxiety attacks? The was Miss Pretty. We rely on our animals for their companionship, support, and constant source of comfort. So of course, when all of that is gone, it’s hard to get by. Some say the toughest part is the silence in our homes after our pet dies. Animals create a good bit of noise that we grow accustomed to (unless you have a dog who loves to bark. That’s very noticeable). When they’re gone, we no longer hear the pit-pat of their paws on the kitchen floor, the tags rattling when they hop onto the couch, the rumbling when they race up the steps, and of course, the meows and barks. Even birds, rats, hamsters, and lizards make some noise in their cages. The silence is uncomfortable, and reminds us who we’re missing. But the grief doesn’t last forever. Eventually, most people do end up getting another pet that becomes an addition but not a replacement, serving their purpose as companion and source of comfort and joy. They make us smile again, give us purpose again, but they have big paw-prints to fill.

Picture it. The sky is a calm cerulean blue, the sun is shining warm on the lush green grass, the birds are chirping from the full trees, and a soft wind rattles the leaves. Somewhere a few lawns over, a mower is running. In the backyard, family and friends are gathering for a 4th of July cookout with coolers of beverages and the sweet scent of barbeque wafting through the opened window. But you’re standing inside, wishing you were in the confines of your own room with the blinds shut, because everyone else is having fun but you don’t feel much like laughing. Grief acts like a storm cloud, blocking out the light of anything remotely pleasant, and threatening to pour at any given moment. It’s hard to feel happy with that sort of thing hanging over your head.  But it’s okay for you to feel different than others. We often have this idea that we should feel a certain way at a certain time, and if we don’t, we’re doing something wrong. Say everyone else is having fun at the cookout and playing cornhole, but you can’t bring yourself to laugh when Uncle Roger chucks the bag of corn clear over the fence. It’s okay. You’re struggling with something much bigger than cornhole, here. If you’re facing grief in the summertime, it’s okay that you might be laughing less, smiling less, and enjoying things a lot less than you did in previous summers. Try to remember that you’re feelings are valid and understandable. And cut yourself some slack! You’re doing what you can. If summertime reminds you of a loss from a previous summer, acknowledge it, but don’t ruminate. Nostalgia tends to glamorize the past and make the present seem much worse than the “good old days.” Try to ride the waves of your memory, but remember that healing is in the present tense, and at some point you’ll want to find your way back to the shore. So enjoy what you can, but don’t feel bad if it’s not very much. Summer is just another season, anyway—the sun comes out in the winter, too.

The purpose of the funeral, the reason we take time to formally recognize the loss of our loved ones, is to help us begin to heal. It is the first step in the grieving process, where we are meant to come together with family and friends, declare “this person was significant. This person mattered,” and to publicly acknowledge the gravity of the loss. Often, when we choose not to have a funeral— or worse, we have a bad funeral for our loved ones— it can complicate the grief journey and delay our healing.  For hundreds of years, humans have marked the most important life events with a religious ceremony: birth, marriage, and death. We acknowledge the miracle of birth with a baptism; the potential of love with a wedding; and the monumental loss that is death with a funeral. But America’s cultural landscape is changing. Every year, fewer Americans attend church. This trend has been going on for many years and for a variety of valid reasons. But it’s still important to mark our milestones, with or without a church. So what are the options if you have no church? Should you call a parish your family attended years ago? Ask your second cousin who happens to be a minister? How do you honor your loved one without the traditional, religious funeral? If you settle for a minister who never met the deceased, a meaningless and sometimes offensive funeral service can be the result. Sometimes people assume that because they have no church or they don’t know or like any ministers, this means they can’t have any funeral at all. Fortunately, there is another way forward in these situations. Anthony Funeral Home recognized this issue many years ago, so my father began officiating funerals for those who had no one else. His services have brought comfort and closure to many families over the years. In the fall of 2018, I attended a funeral celebrant training seminar to learn how to write and officiate personalized funeral services to help provide families with services that mourn their loss while still celebrating the life and story of their loved one. The most important part about these services is that they meet the needs of the family. The family needs to acknowledge their loss, remember their loved one, and celebrate their legacy. The service starts with a meeting. Once the family chooses to have me as their celebrant, we schedule a visit, usually at their home, where I learn their loved one’s story. The family shares memories and history where laughter and tears are often abundant. One family even admitted that the meeting in and of itself was therapeutic for them, which really let me know we were orchestrating something beautiful. When the meeting concludes, I muse over my notes of their stories and spend several hours constructing their personal service. And after many deleted paragraphs and cups of coffee, the resulting service is unique and meaningful, allowing the family to move forward with healing. It still acknowledges the loss ceremonially but it celebrates the very life that will be missed. If you have questions or are interested in having a funeral celebrant for you or your loved one, please feel free to call the funeral home or email me at: k.anthony@neo.rr.com.

It is never too early to discuss your final wishes. Maybe you’ve never thought about it before, but it doesn’t hurt to give it some consideration. Would you want to be cremated? Would you want your loyal dog to go to your kids or best friend? What about funeral services? The most important things to you should be considered, material or otherwise.  Bringing up the conversation can be tough, though. It’s a delicate topic, and some family members may feel uncomfortable addressing the idea that at some point, you might pass on without them. But if you stay honest and even joke around a bit, things may feel lighter and easier. In fact, if you’ve ever purchased Life Insurance or signed up for a retirement plan, you’ve already designated beneficiaries to receive your death benefit, which is very similar to expressing your final wishes. Be firm in what you want. Don’t let anyone coax you into changing your ideas based on something that is “easier” or “cheaper” or even more expensive. If you’ve been envisioning a funeral with a bronze-plated casket and a burial at the beautiful Lakeview Cemetery all your life, don’t cave for cremation because your son was planning to spread your ashes in Lake Erie. It’s your life, so your say matters most. Discussing your final wishes can even be relieving, in a strange sort of way. We often fear the inevitable, but being practical about it can help alleviate some of the apprehension, especially since we won’t have to worry about our wishes falling flat. For example, I’m currently writing a novel, and if I died before it got finished, my wish is that someone would finish the book and try to get it published. But if I never addressed that, no one would even think to touch the manuscript and I’d be petrified that my words would never reach the public. Trust me, it’s best to say what you want. So talk to your friends, your spouse, your kids or your relatives. Let them know what you’re thinking. It can be a brief conversation over coffee, or one of those passing moments in the car on the way to the grocery store. It can be funny, or it can be serious. But it’s healthy and practical, and really only needs to be expressed once.